Muggle Academy, the only school of political witchcraft and wizardry in the world, is urgently seeking pioneering Muggles with the courage and bravery required to redefine this political moment, revitalize the Democrats, transform our nation, and alter the timeline of America!!
Confused about the best next step in today's polarized political climate? Then head straight to Muggle Academy.
By Mike Reid | January 2025
You do remember what happened to Harry Potter, right?
First of all, you'll recall that the first 11 years of Harry Potter’s life were extremely bleak, bleak beyond belief.
But then, these strange letters start arriving in the mail, one after another, and one of them is even addressed to "Mr. H. Potter, The Cupboard under the Stairs," and so Harry’s aunt and uncle totally freak out, and they flee to a remote shack on a rock in the ocean where it’s impossible to deliver mail.
But then, at exactly midnight on Harry Potter’s 11th birthday, this enormous, haggard-looking man bursts into the shack with such force that he knocks the door completely off its hinges.
And Harry's uncle is like, "Get the fuck out of here immediately!"
But Harry is like, "Ummmmm, who are you?"
And the giant man introduces himself as Hagrid, hands Harry a birthday cake, and casually explains that he’s the groundskeeper at a make-believe school for wizards called Hogwarts.
Oh, and by the way, Harry’s a wizard, too.
Then Hagrid says, "Hey Harry, want to get the fuck out of here?"
And without a moment of hesitation, Harry’s like, "Absolutely."
Muggle Misery
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But I guess Harry Potter’s decision must have been pretty easy, because his life with the Dursleys was so bleak that he really had nothing to lose by trusting the giant haggard-looking man.
Obviously, it’s not like Harry had a job, or an apartment full of West Elm furniture, or a girlfriend, or anything like that.
But what about you, my dear Muggle friend?
Don’t you wish there was something more magical out there?
Well congratulations my Muggle friends because you’re inside a Harry Potter adventure right now — and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is now president again!!!!
Drop everything immediately, my dear Muggle friends, and join us at Muggle Academy — there’s really no time to waste!!
What’s the problem my dear Muggles?
Isn't this what you've been dreaming about your entire life?
Ok, look. To be 100% honest, you could easily arrive at Muggle Academy without any preparation at all and be completely fine, but if you want to be over-prepared like Hermione Granger was upon arriving at Hogwarts, here are some things to know:
Arriving Muggle Orientation: This required five-day program begins every Monday and is designed to orient you to everything you'll need to know in order to thrive at Muggle Academy — and it's not the coursework you'll need to prepare for, it's that you'll need to get acclimated to the magic of the new locale you're in.
Cell Phones: At Muggle Academy, there is only one room where you're allowed to use your cell phone and it's not a very magical place to hang out at all, but all First Year Muggles are required to leave their phones in that room from the beginning of Arriving Muggle Orientation until First Year Graduation.
ChatGPT: Ok, have you learned ChatGPT yet...? Because there are endless ways to use ChatGPT that most people aren’t figuring out right now because they're scared of AI. Are you scared of AI?
Curriculum: Classes begin every Monday and are just one week long. On Mondays, you're allowed to drop into as many classes as you'd like to get a flavor for them before deciding what you'll enroll in. The bulk of the curriculum is covered from Tuesday to Thursday. Fridays are flexible before the Evening Celebration. Then, everything begins again the following Monday with a rotating group of students, professors, and administrators, as some stick around Muggle Academy for a while and others are eager to test their new magical talents in real-world scenarios.
Available Courses:
Introduction to Generative AI in American Politics
Introduction to How American Politics Actually Works
PAC Founders Workshop
Political Fundraising in the Age of Aquarius
The Fundraising Challenge
(Available courses change weekly)
DALL·E: Just dream up whatever image you want and describe it to ChatGPT, who will liaise with DALL·E by writing a far better prompt than you could write in a million years, and then yes you can go ahead and ask ChatGPT to make revisions to your images as many times as you like. And you don’t have to describe exactly what you want, you can describe moods and emotions and things and ask ChatGPT to adjust the images accordingly.
Dress Code: Under no circumstances should you be dressed like you're a student at Hogwarts, our archrival.
Every Flavor Beans: Yes, you can buy Every Flavor Beans as a Muggle. They're made by Jelly Belly and sold in specialty stores, candy shops, theme parks, and online. But along with Quidditch, it turns out they don't translate very well to the Muggle World, and so for that reason and others Every Flavor Beans are strictly prohibited at Muggle Academy, along with Muggle Quidditch.
Housing: Free accommodations are provided.
J.K. Rowling: Yes, I do have some thoughts about J.K. Rowling.
Meals: All meals are provided at Muggle Academy.
Minister of Magic: Al Franken? Maybe Aziz Ansari!? Maybe even Julie Lythcott-Haims??! These are all people who I think would totally thrive in the role of Minster of Magic, at least briefly, before moving on to another role at this Super PAC or another Super PAC, something we highly encourage at Muggle Academy and basically one of the reasons that Muggle Academy exists. But in any event, we're not going to tell you who the Minster of Magic is until you arrive (and it could be absolutely anyone, assuming they're an American because obviously we can't involve Brits like Emma Watson or even Rupert Grint in our American politics), but I do think it shouldn't be a role you stay in for too long — which I guess could be said about a lot of things, honestly.
Platform 9 ¾: Doesn’t exist. But we will definitely "Platform 9 ¾" you as a verb because we're not going to tell you the location of Muggle Academy until the day you leave and obviously we can set up the academy on the fly basically anywhere because magic is involved, so we can do things at Muggle Academy that would be impossible as judged by your Muggle standards — and aren't you god damn tired of a life without magic????
Professors: Did you know that before Dumbledore was all old and wise and all that shit he was basically as impulsive and powerful as Elon Musk is right now? But then Dumbledore got involved in a three-way duel and it well very badly, but it's only because of that mistake that Dumbledore was motivated to become the wise professor we love. And basically all of the professors at Hogwarts were crazy, except for maybe Professor McGonagall who mostly kept it together — except for when she turned herself into a cat?
VIP
Contribute or raise $50,000+
Support a new approach to politics
Create unusually magical jobs
Slytherin: To Slytherins, Voldemort is a much more complicated figure, so maybe now is the time to see the world through Draco Malfoy’s eyes for a change of perspective?
Sora: Sora is like DALL·E but for video.
Travel: Muggle Academy will pay all your travel expenses.
Tuition: Tuition is free, but you can make a donation of between $1-$500,000 to support our scholarship fund. And so if you have young kids and cannot attend Muggle Academy yourself, or if you're a Boomer who doesn't want to learn AI and you just want to retire without life in America becoming miserable, or if you're a millionaire or a billionaire we'd love if all of you could make as generous a donation as possible right now, please!
Fundraiser
Recruit VIPs
Work from anywhere and travel when needed
$5,000/month and 10% of what you raise
Vertical Video: Ok, so I have no idea if you're reading this on a laptop or a cell phone, and do you know how differently sized those two screens are? It's honestly a god damn pain in the ass to have to design everything with both screens in mind, but I've got absolutely zero chance with Gen Z if my videos aren't vertical or at least square because horizontal videos look like trash on cell phones and Gen Z obviously consumes all content on cell phones and ok if you think they're going to turn their phones 90 degrees that's as stupid a suggestion as suggesting you walk around all day with your head at 90 degrees from where it should be.
First Year
Attend Arriving Muggle Orientation
Take one week of classes and graduate
Travel, accommodations, and meals provided
Wands: Magic wands are strictly prohibited at Muggle Academy.
Webflow University: If you want to Hermione Granger this, you should definitely attend Webflow 101 at Webflow University, a free 2 ½ hour video course on web design without HTML. Or you could just attend Webflow 101 during your downtime at Muggle Academy, that’s definitely what Ron Weasley would have done, right? And Ron did graduate from Hogwarts didn’t he, he didn’t die along the way? That was Cedric and also Dumbledore? Got it.
Are you a disillusioned Muggle seeking more magic in your life — but you don't know how to learn any new spells?
Ok, that's it. That's all you need to know. Ok, yes, obviously that's not everything you'll learn about at Muggle Academy, but I don't want to spoil the fun.
Muggle Academy now stands before you, charged with possibility and ready to embrace those who believe in transformation with innovation, courage, and even a touch of magic.
Just as Harry had to choose to trust the unknown and embrace his destiny, you now have the choice to join an academy that blends magic and courage to reshape the future.
Step through the veil and discover what awaits on the other side.